My Why

I am always interested in knowing other people's reasons for pursuing particular activities. Some of you may be like me and wondering what has made powerlifting my passion. What made me decide at 45 that I wanted to lift heavy?

Until 2012 I never considered fitness important in any way. I had been a fat child and grew up to be an extremely overweight adult. At my heaviest I was 309 pounds. A gym in my area had run a contest named The Biggest Mooser in conjunction with a local radio station for a couple of years. in January 2012 I decided I was done being fat, out of shape, and generally miserable. I applied to be a Biggest Mooser and was one of four finalists. To make a long story short I was not the winner of the contest, but I did receive 6 months of free classes at Ben's Bootcamp. One of the early training sessions involved deadlifts. I'd never done a deadlift before that night, but from the moment I pulled that loaded bar from the floor I was hooked. I wanted to deadlift even more. I also discovered floor presses during my time as a Mooser. 

Skip ahead to June 2014 and the fitness pro I'd started my journey with decided to sell his Derby, VT location. The new owner had been an instructor and he helped me perfect my form and increase the weight I could move. I continued to develop my strength and level of fitness. Even my confidence started to grow. 

In 2015 Tyler announced he was going to hold an event called The Pride Games. One of the events was a tractor tire deadlift. I decided to enter, and I lifted 650 pounds that day. I won the event and a fellow competitor asked me if I'd ever considered powerlifting. I'd never heard of powerlifting at that point and I thought nothing more of it. 

Another coach in the gym agreed with the competitor and he asked me about it. I brushed it off with "Maybe someday..." and he decided to research local meets for me. He came back to me with two options.

November 7, 2015 was my first experience on the platform. I was so nauseous that day all I had to eat until dinner at about 9 pm was a couple of scrambled eggs early in the morning. It's probably a wonder I didn't pass out, but I have always been stronger than I think I am. I was successful with all 9 lifts that day and I was hooked. As scared and nervous as I was on the platform, I felt strong, I felt competent. I felt like I was ENOUGH. For the first time I could see what other people saw when they looked at me. I'd been told before I was awesome, I was an inspiration. That night I could almost see why. 

My first meet was a turning point. I'd been floundering to find my niche in fitness. I'd completed a Tough Mudder and thought maybe obstacle course races were my niche, but it didn't feel quite right. We all want to belong and have a place and I am no different. I was happiest at the gym when I could handle a barbell, but until I discovered powerlifting, I wasn't sure what good knowing I loved deadlifts was going to do me. 

Even though my first meet showed me a side of myself I'd never imagined or seen before, and I loved the feel of the barbell in my hands I wasn't fully committed to powerlifting quite yet. 

That moment came in April 2017. I had just joined a new federation USA Powerlifting. My life was in turmoil at the time, and honestly, I had no business at all getting on a platform. I did though at the USAPL New Hampshire State Championships. It was my first meet with USAPL, and it was a completely different experience from Vermont Powerlifting and the All Raw federation. USAPL was friendly, but this was the next level. I'd thought I was ready...I was so wrong. Given all the turmoil in my personal life and the fact the coach who had handled me at my previous meets was unavailable maybe I should have just begged off the meet. 

My showing was horrible. I was able to successfully complete 3 lifts, one squat and two bench presses. I thought about crying, about not even bothering to finish the meet. I felt like I'd wasted my friends' time. Nikki, Hailey, and Sylvie were there with me and here I was bombing out. The thing was none of them acted like I had disappointed them in the least. They seemed proud of me. When the women's lifting was done, we stayed to support another lifter we knew during the men's competition. I forgot completely about myself, focused on watching the men lift and found myself excited and thrilled. 

I can usually dwell and wallow with the best of them, but this time I didn't. I wasn't focused on how I'd bombed; I was determined to improve. I knew I had to persevere and get better. My wise friends reminded me I had continued on with my head held high despite results that weren't what I'd expected or wanted. 

I've thought about that meet many times in the past 3 years. How even when life seems determined to crush us it is possible to continue on. I decided that I would continue powerlifting and whatever it took I was going to be the best I could be. 

I will never understand why people see me as an inspiration, but as many people who are wiser than me have said: what other people think of me is none of my business. I don't understand it, I don't need to understand it. If somehow seeing me on a platform makes someone else feel inspired to reach for their dreams, I can live with that, even if I will never get it. 

I will put in the work. I will persevere. I will meet the grind face-to-face. Why? My why is because the time will pass anyway, and knowing I am strong enough to handle whatever life throws at me and maybe show others they have that same strength is more than enough to overcome a rough lifting day or some aches and pains. 

We all want our life to have purpose. This is my purpose and my passion. I will pursue it until I can't. I plan to be the little old gray haired lady pulling the barbell with a yell.